Inner Mothering: A journey into self love
Hey beautiful souls,
Today, I want to delve into a topic that has profoundly transformed my life: inner mothering. This journey is about more than just self-care; it’s about cultivating a trustworthy, calm, confident aspect of the inner self that you can lean on throughout your life as a sense of security, spiritual confidence, and grounding…regardless of what’s happening in the outer world. The core of this process comes from really, really, really owning and being honest about what’s arising within the inner landscape, molding our thought patterns to serve us (rather than harm us), and cultivating self loyalty. It’s time to get back on our own team and stay there. From a psychological perspective, the process is a deep dive into reclaiming our inner child, healing old emotions, and fortifying the relationship we have with ourselves. Our relationship with our inner mother, or inner feminine, is the bedrock of our self-esteem and the foundation of our intimate relationships.
How Does Early Attachment Shape Us?
Where does the relationship with our inner mother start? Well, with our own human mothers, of course. Have you ever wondered how your early experiences with your mother shaped the way you see yourself and relate to others? The process of attachment in childhood molds our relationship with our own needs and sense of worth. When our early attachment experiences are nurturing and supportive, we develop a secure sense of self. But when these experiences are lacking, we often struggle with self-esteem and forming healthy relationships. Let’s explore different types of mothering and their long-lasting effects. Can you see yourself in any of these descriptions?
The Helicopter Mother
This mother is overly involved in every aspect of her child’s life. While her intentions are protective and loving, this can lead to a lack of independence and self-confidence in the child, who might struggle to make decisions or trust their own judgment. Do you remember feeling like your mom was always there, hovering? While you might have felt loved and cared for, this over-involvement can stifle independence and self-confidence. Did you ever struggle to make decisions or trust your own judgment because you were used to her making choices for you? Now, how does this play out in your adult relationships? You might experience anxiety about making the "right" choices and rely heavily on your partner for direction and approval. Feeling inadequate in handling life’s challenges on your own can be a tough hurdle to overcome.
The Narcissistic Mother
The narcissistic mother centers everything around herself, often using her children to meet her own emotional needs and validate her self-worth. Did you often feel like you were in the background, with your mom’s needs taking center stage? This can leave you feeling unseen and unimportant, leading to issues with self-worth and a constant need for external validation. As an adult, do you find yourself in relationships where you feel you must be perfect or perform or achieve to be loved? You might have a heightened sensitivity to criticism and a pervasive fear of not being good enough, constantly seeking reassurance from your partner.
The Absent Mother
The absent mother can be physically absent or emotionally unavailable, leaving her children to fend for themselves emotionally. Did you feel abandoned or like you had to grow up too quickly? Did you walk on eggshells, attempt to keep the peace, and find value through ‘adulting?’ This lack of nurturing and emotional support can lead to deep-seated feelings of neglect and difficulty forming healthy, trusting relationships.
In your intimate relationships, do you struggle with fear of abandonment and have trouble trusting your partner? You might either become overly dependent or avoid emotional closeness altogether to protect yourself from potential hurt. You may find that everyone else comes first in your relationships and it’s hard to say no. Your boundaries are very soft, and you find yourself feeling like you need to please everyone to be loved.
The Emotionally Immature Mother
This mother is unable to provide the emotional support her children need because she is still dealing with her own unresolved issues. Her children may end up parenting themselves or even her, leading to a role reversal where the child becomes the caregiver - hindering their emotional development. This often forces the child to "hold it together," creating rigidity and sometimes perfectionism as a way to manage the chaos and lack of stability. Were you the one who had to "hold it together" at home? This often forces the child to become rigid and sometimes perfectionistic to manage the chaos and lack of stability. You might have felt like you had to take care of your mom, rather than the other way around.
How does this manifest now? Do you feel an overwhelming need to control your environment and relationships to avoid chaos? Struggling with perfectionism, setting unrealistically high standards for yourself and others, and having difficulty relaxing and enjoying life are common challenges.Why do we need to cultivate an inner mother? Well, simply put, no human being is perfect and we may not have been given the tools to know how to take care of ourselves. Many of us grow up without great role models for how to mother, or nurture, ourselves. Our experiences with our mothers can vary greatly, and each type leaves a unique imprint on our emotional landscape.
Despite their best intentions, each of these mothering styles can have profound effects on us. It’s crucial to recognize these impacts and understand that while our mothers did their best with the tools they had, we have the power to mother ourselves differently.
Reclaiming the Inner mother: a call for Self-Love
The relationship we cultivate with our inner mother is the cornerstone of our self-esteem. This inner relationship influences how we view ourselves, how we allow others to treat us, and how we navigate the world. Developing a higher frequency of self-love is key to being in flow with life. When we love and nurture ourselves, we align with the natural rhythm of life, opening doors to abundance, including financial prosperity.
My personal experience with re-mothering has been a life long journey. Growing up with an emotionally immature, possibly borderline, and narcissistic mother was a confusing, chaotic, and emotionally taxing experience. My mother, a single parent after my dad left when I was 12, did many good things to support the family. She stayed and fought to keep us afloat, ensuring we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. Her sacrifices in these aspects were immense, and for that, I will always be grateful. However, the emotional landscape of our home was a different story.
From a young age, I was perpetually on high alert, attuned to her moods and ready to placate her at any moment. I learned to suppress my own needs and feelings to avoid triggering her volatile reactions. The constant emotional turbulence created a sense of instability that permeated every aspect of my life. I found myself adulting prematurely, stepping into roles of emotional responsibility that far exceeded my years. I emptied myself out to serve the chaotic environment of our family life, constantly walking on eggshells, making sure others were okay before connecting with myself. I never learned to self attune to my needs, my feelings, my body’s inherent intelligence until much later. Instead, I felt like my only purpose was to keep the peace, put on my ‘big girl pants,’ and be the sounding board for her emotional needs. Any attempt I made to address or clear emotional turmoil was met with reductionism, shaming, and the silent treatment. The message was clear: my voice didn’t matter and I owed her for everything she did, that I was to worship her, and that my needs were secondary. This was the basis of my feminine self and this dynamic left deep scars.
To deal with being so disconnected from myself, I developed an eating disorder to control the uncontrollable landscape of family life. I battled anorexia, bulimia, and food addiction as a means to find some kind of suppressive control over my own barren emotional landscape. But, now after 20+ years of recovery under my belt, I can honestly say that the process of re-mothering became possible only when I had a sisterhood of wise woman to show me a different way of being feminine and relating to myself. I started the healing process when I was 19 and unaware that I needed healing at all. But, I was drawn to the old pagan wisdom circles where the feminine and magic were celebrated and honored. As I searched for an island in the storm, I stumbled, literally, into sacred feminine work with a Wiccan group of wise women in Fremantle, Australia. There, I learned the basics of trauma healing, Reiki energy work, and participated in embodied meditation rituals once a week. This group provided healthy models of the feminine, which were crucial in repatterning my inner world. For the first time, I experienced nurturing and supportive feminine energy that wasn’t rooted in manipulation or control. These woman of all ages, all races, all religions became my sisters, my deep family, and we still support each other to this day. Within these ‘ashram’ years of life, I dove deep into learning about the sacred feminine, worked with archetypal medicine, and drew wisdom from the Greek goddesses. These ancient stories have served as powerful role models, guiding me in the art of remothering myself for years. I began to understand the power of self-love and self-care. I learned that my voice mattered and that I deserved to be heard and respected. The wise women in Fremantle taught me that I could heal the wounds inflicted by my mother and that I could cultivate an inner mother who was kind, loving, and supportive. This journey of healing has been transformative, allowing me to reclaim my sense of self and create a life rooted in authenticity and emotional freedom.
Steps to starting the Inner Mothering process
Acknowledge and Validate Your Emotions: Allow yourself to feel without judgment. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be heard. This is the first step in creating a nurturing environment within yourself. Set a timer 3 times a day to check in with your inner landscape. Take 5 deep breaths and sense what’s happening in your belly. Don’t worry if nothing comes, it is the ritual of checking in that creates the inner trust for emotional energy to move. Stay with it and mother what comes up.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no without guilt. Your needs are important. Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and protects your energy from being drained by external demands. Check in with what is requested from you when someone asks. If you feel drawn to do it from your belly…it’s a yes. If you feel your body closing, it’s a no. Respect and trust your body.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace. This is your time to recharge and nurture your soul. Regular self-care rituals help maintain a high frequency of self-love. I like to write a page in my journal every night. This isn’t a story, but simply words that need to come out. Sometimes it’s pictures, but be sure to breathe with what comes and let the emotional flow move through you.
Reclaim Your Inner Child: Connect with the playful, innocent part of yourself. Let your inner child feel safe and loved. This connection fosters creativity, joy, and a sense of wonder. Often our inner child is fearful of reconnection. It’s important to give yourself patience and space to feel this vulnerable part of yourself and learn to hear her voice. Use the mantra: “Your Name” with the inhale, and “I love you” with the exhale. This simply works to raise your frequency and bring you back into connection with your heart. Simple, but sweet.
The Ripple Effect
As a final thought, I have to admit that I am not a mother. Although I do care for many beings, many mothers raising kids, and lots of kids, I understand that this material can be triggering for those who have mothered children. Re-mothering and inner mothering is not an attack on what our mothers did or didn’t do. It is simply a way for us to learn to love ourselves and teach other women what it means to come back into alignment. All mothers do their best with the tools they have. Yet, as part of the feminine consciousness, we often pass along patterns and habits, sometimes without even realizing it. This is where our power lies. By mothering ourselves, we can stop these shadow patterns from moving forward into the future generations and the collective. We can break the cycle and create a new legacy of self-love, self-respect, and self-worth.
As we cultivate this higher frequency of self-love, we begin to flow with life more effortlessly. Our relationships improve, our sense of self-worth strengthens, and we attract opportunities that resonate with our true selves. Financial abundance, career success, and overall well-being become more attainable as we align with our inner mother’s nurturing energy.
Remember, inner mothering is a journey, not a destination. It’s about continuously nurturing the relationship you have with yourself and breaking free from old patterns that no longer serve you. Together, let’s create a ripple effect of love and healing in the collective.
With love and light,
Jenny Ania
P.S. If this work appeals to you, check out the 5 Pillars Goddess Training. This is our signature course and works with the Greek Goddess archetypes, trauma healing, and deep meditation principles to inspire your inner mothering practice.